Expect More, Get Less?
If you believe it, they will come - OR - Manifest that shit
I only want to be happy. I don’t like feeling sad or annoyed or frustrated or angry. But, guess what? I feel all those feelings. Why? Why can’t I just be happy all the time?
I’ve done some self-reflection and realized that I’m the reason I feel all these feelings. To quote Taylor Swift, “It’s me, Hi! I’m the problem. It’s me.” I have expectations of how I think every situation should turn out, and every time my expectations aren’t met, I feel feelings. Huh, how ‘bout that.
So then what? Am I just supposed to have ZERO expectations about things? That sounds IMPOSSIBLE to me. I have high expectations of myself and those around me and I want to be the BEST at everything I do. Is this perfectionism or determination? Am I too Type A or do I just care too much? These are all questions I’ve been pondering lately…
Fort Sheridan National Cemetery, May 3, 2024. Photo taken by me.
Yesterday, I attended my Grandpa’s internment of ashes ceremony at Fort Sheridan Cemetery. I went with the expectation of seeing family members and saying final goodbyes. That’s it. As we were gathered around the burial site, I noticed a deer just outside the fence in the tall grasses of the surrounding forest preserve. I made a comment about seeing the deer, so everyone was looking. Just then, a second deer walked out of the tall grasses to join the first deer. I was excited and said “Oh! There’s another one!” The two deer stood together for a moment before running off together deeper into the woods. This seems like a pretty normal occurrence at a forest preserve, right?
What I didn’t mention is that my Grandma’s ashes were buried in this cemetery last year. Her headstone says she’s the wife of LTJG EL Carlberg USN, who we returned to her. She and my Grandpa were married for 70 years and I believe these deer symbolized my grandparents, re-united forever. The thought of this makes me SO HAPPY. SO, SO HAPPY.
I did not expect this. It was a wonderful surprise that I am reflecting on after the fact, and it’s truly magical. Will I allow myself to always see these signs and believe they are something bigger? What if I expect to see something? Will I be let down if it doesn’t happen?
I want to be unexpecting and get complete joy from seeing 2 deer in a forest preserve, finding a dime in the most random place (a sign from my other Grandma), and seeing a butterfly that flies a bit too close (a sign from my uncle). I consider myself a spiritual person and wish only joy and opportunity for myself and those I love. I notice the small things that others might say don’t matter.
It’s the small things that make me stop and think.
